Why, oh why, did she have to sing that song?
Turns out you can hold a surprising amount of contrasting emotions inside at one time, and I sometimes forget this, buttoned up little wallpaper me, until I find myself somehow, simultaneously: glad to see some friends I haven’t seen in a while; happy for and proud of one of them continuing to move on and do great things, even if I’m spectacting on it from further and further away; startled to hear a certain familiar song, and usually one with more positive connotations, but which now only brings to mind all the things you finally sort of believed you had are all gone; so overwhelmed by the sadness it brought with it this time, which you were not prepared for, even if you had been braced for the song selection, which you decidedly were not…
Which inevitably means you are: sitting on a dark and lushly decorated back patio, in lovely flickering candlelight, during the best time of the year, surrounded by good things and with good people nearby, one even making you laugh as she always does, legitimately blinking back actual goddamn tears, reminding yourself that no one can see this dammit, don’t be stupid, you can’t let them see, just blend back into the wallpaper, while staring fixedly at a flickering bulb above the back door, at once wondering whether it was a purposefully ambient choice to go with the spooky décor, or simply is about to burn out, just like you, and thinking all throughout this, in a kind of crazed mantra, “This must be rock bottom; it has to be rock bottom; right?; if it’s not it can’t go much deeper; I don’t think I can handle it; just let this be rock bottom, and let me be done with it.”
Maybe another of those friends was right, talking out back, after: maybe the Dodgers win the Series and it rights something wrong in the universe. I don’t give a shit about baseball, but any form of reset, no matter how superstitious, anything at all, would do. Just, please, no more. I am so tired.
Through the crystal-like and clear water fountain
Drove me like a magnet
To the sea
To the sea
To the sea…