So goodnight, dear void.

I shut this blog down some months ago, and I wasn’t sure when, or even if, I would ever revisit it. I wrote a good amount in it, for a while, but I wasn’t yet ready to confront myself fully within it. I know this because, inevitably, any time I posted anything, I was gripped eventually, if not almost immediately, by an insane desire to scrub the entirety of it, and possibly myself right along with it, from the earth. I could, and did, write honestly, but in a way that was the biggest problem. I could write these things about myself with a clear mind in the moments of initial expression, but then merely sitting back and being faced with myself as I am, once the words were down, even in bits and pieces, seemed somehow unbearable.

I’m more accepting of myself now. And I do believe I’m at least marginally less a ridiculous asshole than I was the last time I wrote here. I am at least more comfortable now with the fact that no one will likely ever read, nor care, about a single word left here but me.

Truth is: I’m the most impassioned pragmatist you’ll ever know; my fiercely guarded heart is more readily hijacked by hope than my deeply cynical ass will ever permit you to know.

Last year, that absolute bitch of a year, once it became obvious that my only really regular reader had completely disengaged, and that I was, in effect, writing to just one more empty room, I decided it was time to close up shop. It was all just a bit too on-the-nose emblematic of what the year had already cost me, and I did not need any more reminders. I’ve already got plenty of disparate Notepad documents languishing on my hard drive, full of ever-growing strands of thoughts to peck away at, if I really feel that strong an urge to loose another echo down the chamber; doing so in yet another pseudo-public space struck me as rather redundant, if not pathetic. I’m no stranger to talking to myself, after all; no true loner ever is. What use was one more anonymous, lonely space in which to do so? I had grown too disillusioned with it, by that time, to continue sincerely.

I’m not entirely sure what I’m opening this thing back up for, even now, while we’re being honest (and I suppose that would have to be the royal We; there’s no one else here left to address). It may be a decision — now that my mental health is much stronger, and I have far fewer fucks remaining to give — driven entirely by ambivalence. I do miss the community of a space, like an old (much different) blog of mine once had, but which has also since mostly died (yet is another space I seem bound to stubbornly keep alive). Who knows? Perhaps I’m just too old for blogging in this particular platform. I had hoped for more, and even had a bit, for a little while, until I didn’t.

We shall see. For now, I’ve only restored a fraction of the original content that once lived here; either pieces that actually did result in some small form of interaction at the time, or that I might have been somewhat proud of then, even if I’m not at all sure whether I can call myself proud of any of them any longer. The whole thing may disappear again, perhaps permanently, mere months from now; then again, it may not. My patience with its apparent pointlessness remains, for the time being, open, albeit limited. I’m hardly a writer, but then again, if the notion of constructing even the barest memoirs sometime in my future is ever meant to be realized, I imagine I will have to become far more accepting of the yawning futility of this space, first.

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4 thoughts on “So goodnight, dear void.

  1. Your constant reader is still here, still impressed, still reading, and is never truly, fully disengaged. He applauds you, and he smiles to himself, and the warmth crawls through his body, and though he may sometimes feign surprise at the gradual glow of it, he never really feels less than thankful for the return.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Sometimes I want to tell you to stop writing my thoughts, damn it! 😉

    Seriously though, in recent weeks I’d been thinking back upon the time that I would write regularly in a journal – on paper, then online, then back and forth on both formats – and I seemed more attuned to digging through the ‘stuff’ in my head back then. I thought about everything and wrote out what I was feeling in great detail.

    Then, all of a sudden, I stopped all communiqués, in wordpress.com, in livejournal, on paper… and I just can’t seem to begin again. What’s the point? Perhaps I don’t need to? Perhaps I don’t want to? Perhaps I’m afraid I’ll end up revisiting those dark corners? I don’t know.

    Sometimes I think it would be good for me. Other times I wonder why I would need to bother, and what am I trying to seek out by posting my innermost thoughts where anyone but me could see them?

    Sometimes I think it’s beneficial because we all deserve to be heard; we all deserve to speak our minds. Particularly in this time where people still try to question why so many citizens (especially women) want and need to speak out and stand up. Maybe in some tiny fraction of a way, I’m hoping it’s my way of standing up for myself and saying, “These are the things that happened to me; these are the things that I think about. You don’t have to agree with them, you don’t have to like them, but don’t tell me what to think or feel or experience.”

    Maybe it’s unimportant to anyone but a small audience. Who knows? All I know is… well, I don’t know what the fuck I know. LOL. Maybe it’s all pointless. But maybe that’s the point? Ultimately, even the seemingly most remarkable revelation can be pointless. So why not write anyway? Why not put it out there? Maybe it gets absorbed into the collective energy of the universe and we just don’t know it. Like a positive mantra we try and try repeat to ourselves that eventually sinks in and comes forth when we need it but least expect it. 🙂

    I see great value in what I read here and everywhere you express yourself. Intelligence, thoughtfulness, wit, snark, generosity of spirit, love for people and books and music and artistry… it’s all good. And I thank you for continuing to put it out there. No matter who sees it. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much, Sherry, for always having kind thoughts to share! (Just like in our more active LJ days, of course!) I like the idea of somehow contributing to a better energy in the universe, even if that’s a completely unquantifiable thing. There are certainly worse things to do! And thank you for seeing value in my little ramblings here (and there, and elsewhere), as ever. It means a lot. I hope you keep writing, too. ❤

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