Sometime shortly after I turned 25, it seemed enough signs in my life kept pointing out to me that it was time for me to give up on certain hopes stubborn enough to have survived my characteristic cynicism up to that point, and curl back inside my little shell I had been trying so very hard to break out of. False confidence may work for some, but for me it’s too flimsy an illusion; it’s never held any real weight. I’m too deeply self-critical and too poor an actor to convincingly lie to myself about anything, I suppose. Those signs were so clear and unmissable they may as well have been the equivalent of grabbing my face and shoving it into the dirt.
I turned 30 a few months ago, and though many things have changed, those familiar old signs are back, seeping back into my bones along with the cold, so what an appropriate daily prompt word I logged in to discover today.
The year is drawing to a close, and I am very tired. Sometimes learning a lot about yourself, loving yourself more, still isn’t enough. Maybe for the less lucky among us, nothing is.
Five years later, it appears very clear it’s time to give them up again. Perhaps I’ll have learned my lesson, and it will stick this time.